Caterina.net: If you were bacteria

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« From the Taittiriya Upanishad | Main | Brief Visit to The Mirror Project »

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{ Saturday, February 22, 2003 }

If you were bacteria

Sympathy for the life of bacteria

If you were (prokaryote) bacteria:

• You have 0.001 times as much DNA as a eukaryotic cell.

• You live in a medium which has a viscosity about equal to asphalt.

• You have a wonderful "motor" for swimming. Unfortunately, your motor can only run in two directions and at one speed. In forward, you are propelled in one direction at 30 mph. In reverse your motor makes you turn flips or tumble. You can only do one or the other. You cannot stop.

• While you can "learn", you divide every twenty minutes and have to restart your education.

• You can have sex, with males possessing a sexual apparatus for transferring genetic information to receptive females. However, since you are both going 30 mph it is difficult to find each other. Furthermore, if you are male, nature gave you a severe problem. Everytime you mate with a female, she turns into a male. In bacteria, "maleness" is an infective venereal disease.

• Also, at fairly high frequencies, spontaneous mutations cause you to turn into a female.

• Eukaryotes have enslaved some of your "brethren" to use as energy generating mitochondria and chloroplasts. They are also using you as a tool in a massive effort to understand genetics. The method of recombinant DNA is designed to exploit you for their own good. There is no SPCA to protect you.

• The last laugh may be yours. You have spent three and a half billion years practicing chemical warfare. Humans thought that antibiotics would end infectious diseases, but the overuse of drugs has resulted in the selection of drug resistant bacteria. They didn't realize that this was only the first battle, and now the war is ready to begin.

• Humans think this is their era. A more truthful statement would be that we all live in the age of bacteria.

(via Alex Wright)

LINK | 9:44 PM | TB

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{ COMMENTS }

That second to last bullet is the reason no one should use anti-bacterial soap. Throw it out!

Emily | February 22, 2003 10:31 PM

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Unfortunately, the major grocery stores have made it difficult for people to buy anything BUT antibacterial hand soap. It's practically all they carry.

Beyond the bacteria issue, it's also really drying!

Sharyl Morris | February 23, 2003 6:39 AM

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Wonderful post, Caterina. Certainly puts finding that perfect parking spot into perspective. It also inspired further research; I was surprised (and amused) to learn that bacteria can vomit. Re:
http://www.nature.com/nsu/010531/010531-1.html

Loliinspired | February 23, 2003 10:24 AM

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Ack! You're giving me flashbacks to Zoology 1010!

Anna | February 24, 2003 3:03 PM

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• Also, at fairly high frequencies, spontaneous mutations cause you to turn into a female.
WOW!
I AM a bacteria!

dayment | February 24, 2003 4:01 PM

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6 months of Basic Microbiology enabled me to know what some of the points referred to, and gave me a really good laugh! My favourite is "However, since you are both going 30 mph it is difficult to find each other." Lol. :)

Jasmin | February 24, 2003 11:37 PM

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being a microbiologist, this is the first time i've ever empathised with bacteria. this post is thoroughly amusing! :)

bing | February 25, 2003 8:15 AM

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This reminds me of something I heard in a philosophy lecture some years ago. The lecturer reckoned that, on average, life on earth has six legs. But I suppose that given the predominance of bacteria on the planet it would be more accurate to say that life on earth has, on average, no legs. ;o)

richard | February 25, 2003 1:36 PM

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And we must not forget the daily genocide of untold numbers of yeast in bakeries around the world!

Micro-organisms as the newest victim class! :-)

David Mercer | February 28, 2003 7:52 AM

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Great post, and great blog, Catarina. Got pointed to your blog by artnixie at Texting. In Full House Gould speculates that the total biomass of bacteria probably exceeds that of humans. So not only do they outnumber us and possess WMD, they outweigh us as well.

Dave Pollard | February 28, 2003 10:57 PM

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koiokioiooioipoupoupououoipoipoilko;kpooiuouuiooiopiszs43w4ee4e4e4e43ssredrddrdx. bacteria was so good for me i can't even speak right.

| December 27, 2004 9:12 PM

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