"I shall have to stop priding myself on being unable to find pleasure in the things ordinary men enjoy- high days and holidays; the fun of being one in a crowd; family affection and so on. What I am really incapable of is enjoying out-of- the-ordinary pleasures- solitude and a sense of mastery, and if I am not very good at sharing the sentiments of the average man it is because my artless assumption that I was capable of something better has rusted my natural reactions, which used to be perfectly normal. In general we feel rather pleased with ourselves when we do not enjoy common pleasures, believing this means that we are "capable of better things." But incapacity in the one case does not presuppose capacity in the other. A man who is incapable of writing nonsense may be equally incapable of writing something pleasing.

We hate the thing we fear, the thing we know may be
true and may have a certain affinity with ourselves, for each
man hates himself. The most interesting, the most fertile qualities
in every man are those he most hates in himself and in others,
for hatred includes every other feeling- love, envy, ignorance,
mystery, the urge to know and to possess. It is hate that causes
suffering. To overcome hatred is to take a step towards self-
knowledge, self-mastery, self-justification, and consequently
towards an end of suffering. When we suffer, it is always our
own fault."

Cesare Pavese
29th September, 1938
*The Burning Brand: Diaries 1935-1950*
Walker and Company, 1961