{ Friday, September 14, 2007 }
Tonight I suddenly thought of one autumn when I was eight years old and my mother signed me up for soccer. There was no distinction between girls and boys soccer, and there weren't any other girls playing, so I was the only girl in the whole league. I'm not sure what I weighed at 8, but I know that when I was 10 I weighed 59 lbs. So I was really small. Not only that, I wasn't very good at soccer. We wore black shirts and were called The Galaxies. I remember my shinguards were so big on me they went up over my knees, like on an ice hockey goalie.
We played soccer. All the running, yelling, and cheering when someone scored a goal -- I really liked that, it was exciting. I think it was the first organized sport I'd ever participated in. But the problem was, the coach never put me in. I kept on asking him, Put me in, put me in! Nothing.
Finally he put me in, but he put me in as fullback. I wanted to score goals! I didn't want to play defense. So instead of playing my position, I ran up to the front and played forward. The kids that were actually assigned to play forward were annoyed with me, but I kept running around up there trying to get the ball. I didn't get the ball, and I didn't score any goals, and the coach took me out, yelled at me and said, when I put you in you were supposed to play fullback. I suspected this was an unimportant position, since when 8 year olds play soccer, it's all about offense, not defense.
When he put me in again, I ran up and tried and failed to make any goals. It went like that the whole season, not getting put in much, and when I was, made a fullback, and running up and playing forward, and not scoring any goals.
When you're a kid, you're a real injustice detector, a supersensitive unfairness monitor. I think that's why I remember this so vividly. I felt this was vaguely unfair, but couldn't figure out why. ("I quit coach! There is no "I" in team!") If he put me in, we'd be more likely to lose, of course. I didn't practice, or get any better either. I guess I didn't know then that I didn't really care about soccer and would rather be climbing trees or reading - or that I could even choose. I haven't played soccer since then.
They don't let little kids compete these days, because it might ruin their self esteem. I see it all the time. A friend of mine at work said her 8 year old son played soccer, and one day he came home from playing and she asked him how many goals he'd scored. "There are no goals," he said.
LINK | 12:38 AM | TB
Gosh, I completely forgot about those links. I was testing out ads here, and haven't checked them in a long time. Thanks for reminding me! I've removed them.
As for the competition thing -- yeah, it's become very strange around the US (is it only the US?). For years now it's become common to protect children from any danger or failure, which turns out to make kids more insecure and passive and depressed. Here's an article about it. Fascinating that it persists, I can't figure out why the self esteem movement hasn't gone away when it is so obviously wrong.
Caterina | September 14, 2007 2:20 AMWell, it's certainly not how kids are being raised here in the Netherlands.
Historically, we've been a bit anti-competition around here - you're not supposed to try very hard in school, for instance, or you'll risk being known as a 'studiebol' (learny-head). See also all that talk about Europe not being a very good place for inventions/business/web2.0.
But I can't think of a single instance of people I know whose children are participating in soccer or hockey or what-have-you where some sort of score is not kept. And there are a /lot/ of kids in soccer here. I don't think you'd get that past the dads and granddads either.
marrije | September 14, 2007 6:43 AMMaybe it's a regional thing. Where I live in Southern California, the under-eight league doesn't officially keep score, but every kid knows which team won, plus there's the finals where they all know which team in the league was the best because they get recognized as such.
Julie | September 14, 2007 10:28 AMI only learned about this when I actually came for my boyfriend's 4yo-nephew's soccer game. I was briefed by his sister that they don't keep scores on their games and everybody gets to play. "No one wins, no one loses."
I thought it was odd to play like that, like what's the point? I remember myself being competitive even when I was at that age and I enjoyed it immensely. It was fun! Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win. But that is life. I don't know why kids are being so cushioned these days.
Joy | September 14, 2007 12:43 PMOh YES! Didn't you get the memo? Everyone gets a trophy!
I kinda think that if everyone gets a trophy, it kinda defeats the purpose. No?
lantzilla | September 14, 2007 3:07 PMI read the article -- and one item really hit me -- "One wonders how a nation comprising 295 million individuals, each vowing not to let anyone take away his dreams, could arrive at a true sense of collective purpose...". American society overvalues the individual over the collective. There's nothing wrong with being a part of something, as opposed to being *the* something.
Corey | September 15, 2007 9:10 AMThere is something different about soccer. Too many people consider it an activity and not a sport. This sucks out the competitiveness of the sport.
ez | September 15, 2007 8:52 PMits funny how you neve forget stuff like this.i still want to brutally kill a elementary school principal for said behavior.but then i think,wait ,what caused him to become like this?
bzkajo | September 16, 2007 10:22 PMdid you learn you lesson? me thinks not,good for you:)
bzkajo | September 16, 2007 11:18 PMAs a teacher in a middle school, I have to say I think alot of it has to do with some of the parents, and not the kids. There are many kinds of parenting styles, but the ones that come to mind whenever we talk about this in faculty meetings are the ones that don't want to have to deal with their kid(s) and how they will react to losing. It's easier to deal with a kid who isn't shaken up since they "win" all the time. Sometimes the parents who talk about the self-esteem issues of their kid aren't really talking about that, but are instead avoiding having to deal with some of the parenting issues. When sports are used as a way for parents to leave their kids for an hour or two while they do something else, it kind of follows. (And no, this doesn't apply to everyone!)
Mandalei | September 18, 2007 6:53 AMYou know, I am a father of 3 and live in the suburbs of DC. As like anywhere else I see parents that are too competitive. From $40K a year daycare that teaches Chinese and Arabic to parents yelling at their kids at soccer matches.
I would like to tell parents to chill out. It's not about competition and not about what you did as a kid and about what society expects you to do with your kids. It's about your kids. It took me 5 years of being a father and a lovely wife to learn that.
So while all my colleagues take their sons and daughters to Chinese lessons, ballet, soccer, and god know what else. Stress and stress and more stress. As well as building the gap between their children. I sit at home and hug my kids and read them books. There will always be time for competition. There will always be time for soccer. There will always be time for Chinese. There will never be time to spend some quiet time with your kids.
I got a great idea for you parents out there. Build a tree house with your family. It is a great bonding experience. My sons are 6,4, and 2. My 2 oldest sons have toolboxes. Real ones. Instead of asking to buy them toys, they ask for tools. Kinda of cool. Nothing too crazy though for their age. Measuring tapes (helps them count), right square (teaches them shapes), and etc.
George | September 19, 2007 9:08 AMActually here is a briefer and more polemical Christina Hoff Sommers op-ed on the subject.
Caterina | September 19, 2007 11:32 PMWell, by the time we were in 5th grade, Caterina, I was on a Kinnelon Rec soccer team with the uberjock Celeste Friend and we tore it up.
Thanks for breaking through that glass ceiling for us.
XO
Becky | October 3, 2007 8:15 PMalong with the "competition is bad" trend i've noticed the parallel "praise everything" trend -- new york magazine had an article earlier this year about the effect of too much praise.
alfie kohn wrote a book, ~20 years ago, about unhealthy competition (maybe it helped spark the "competition is bad" trend?). he also has a book _punished_by_rewards_ which focuses on how/why too much praise is demotivating to kids. i was intrigued by his arguments, though the book drones on a bit. i read it and started paying attention to how much random/nonspecific praise 3yearold lucy gets from me and from her preschool teachers -- data points to figure out my own parenting style and what i want to do or not do as a parent.
personally i love competition. makes me feel better about myself to be challeneged.
leanne | October 10, 2007 11:11 AMI'm am doing my social studies fair project on how American parents and teachers are downplaying competition in today's kids. I thought your essay was right on about how it is not fun to say that everyone wins and that it is more important to be challenged in life. This is what makes us grow into the people we are going to be. If you know of any other sources, books, or articles that touch on this topic I would love to hear from you
sydney slaughter | January 14, 2008 2:30 PMI'm am doing my social studies fair project on how American parents and teachers are downplaying competition in today's kids. I thought your essay was right on about how it is not fun to say that everyone wins and that it is more important to be challenged in life. This is what makes us grow into the people we are going to be. If you know of any other sources, books, or articles that touch on this topic I would love to hear from you
sydney slaughter | January 14, 2008 2:31 PM{ Post a comment }
What? They don't let the kids compete in soccer where you are?? And this is supposed to help with self-esteem? I'm having trouble comprehending that.
Also there are little movies of ladies in bikinis in your sponsored links. Nothing against ladies in bikinis, but are you happy with this?
marrije | September 14, 2007 12:59 AM